SUNDAY, JUNE 8, 2003

Grey Matter

I GET IT! YeRg really IS a GENIUS! ...a COMPULSIVE SHOPLIFTING genius with seriously bizarre EATING HABITS, but still...

MONDAY, 09 June 2003 4:10 PM PDT

Secret Herbs & Spicy Tentacles That's not just ANY tentacle YeRg coughed up. That's the SECRET INGREDIENT in every WONDERLENS RECEIVER! Ok...they're pretty much ALL secret ingredients, but THIS part is secret for a REASON! YERG's wiggly little SNACK is an Octoporter!

Octoporters can travel in all twelve dimensions at once! It's a very cool little trick. They use those suction cup thingies to grab hold of all space, time and realities and then they just SQUEEZE all the dimensions together. Kind of like Shrinky Dinks, but without the baking. Well, it does involve some SUPER-HEATED POP TART ACTION, but...I digress. The result is, the Octoporter can open a WONDERLENS PORTAL - that's even more powerful than a WORMHOLE! You really CAN be in TWO PLACES AT ONCE!

10 June 2003 3:20 PM PDT

...and You Shake it all About Being in TWO PLACES at ONE TIME - that's what the WONDERLENS is ALL ABOUT! (Yes, we DO have that in common with the HOKEY POKEY) The Wonderlens lets you visit the AQUARIUM of the ALIENS without leaving your desk. Or, your kids can be off swimming with the LUNA SLEEPERS, but still be home, snug as bugs in a rug.... ...assuming your kids are some type of larval bug species who live in domestic carpeting. Hey - it's a BIG, WACKY UNIVERSE. Let us not judge our insectoid brethren and...sistern? Okaaay. Looks like the Wonderlens Portal is open! Ready? LET’s GO!

WEDNESDAY, 11 June 2003 8:04 PM PDT

Sorry, Wrong Dimension

That was really SWELL, Yerg. But what I ACTUALLY had in mind, was for your Octoporter to open a PORTAL that would take us to ASTRAL! !!@#*-*- ">*&%-@+-!! What?! Honey...slow down...say that AGAIN. Oh, SHOOTing stars! Now YERG says that his Octoporter doesn't WANT to open another Portal. I swear, it's so hard to find good, TRANS-DIMENSIONAL HELP.

Listen little fellah, I KNOW you're having a bad day. I KNOW that being at the bottom of the food chain is a bum deal. TRUST ME...I used to be a soda machine. It's not as glamorous as it looks. (although I DO miss those BAFFLED looks on customers' faces when I'd reject their perfectly good dollar bills. Ahhh...THAT was entertainment!)

So...what can WE do to help?

12 June 2003 12:07 AM PDT

Talk to the Tentacle

Well, it turns out that Yerg's OCTOPORTER has a few demands of his OWN. It took me a while to figure that out he was trying to SPEAK to us. All that wriggling around...who KNEW? I just thought maybe he needed to use the restroom? But I patched a link over to my favorite hot-bot, W.A.T.R. and he's running a quick translation for us.

  13 June 2003 10:13 PM PDT

The Snack Talks Back

Ok...I just got the translated message back from W.A.T.R. Here goes: FIRST: the LUNCH ITEM formerly known as Yerg's OCTOPORTER would PREFER to be called by his real name. Unfortunately...we'd need at least a dozen tuned suction cups to correctly PRONOUNCE his real name, so instead, we're going to call him "Timmy". Just go with it. SECOND: Timmy would like a SINCERE apology from YeRg, and a promise that Yerg will not attempt to eat Timmy again.

Any snacking, nibbling or even drizzling of Ketchup on Timmy will be strictly OFF LIMITS from now on.

And THIRD...and this one is a LITTLE trickier, Timmy wants YERG to go fetch him his favorite dessert, a BESMOU Baked Elasteroid and bring it back before the flaming meringue gets cold. So...assuming nobody has a BETTER plan and assuming none of us is RELATED to a Baked Elasteroid or has ethical problems with eating two-dimensional desserts, I guess Yerg had better get his shiny GREY be-hind moving. And since I can't trust YERG any further than I can throw up on him, I think maybe YOU'd better go with him.

Hellooo! Yes, YOU! Blog-reading person.

Don't worry...you'll be PERFECTLY safe. Yerg doesn't eat Earthlings....usually.

Just go with Yerg back up to the surface of the WONDERLENS AMUSEMENT PARK. You can grab a Baked Elasteroid at the Castellar Cafe.

Then bring it back here for Timmy. You'll have to HURRY!

You can use the Wonderlens teleporter. Just, uh...watch your step.

The Fungila Monsters have been "repairing" the teleporters again, so as usual, well...let's just say that your results may VARY.

Luckily, I think the teleporter to the Cafe is still up and running.

Do you still have your teleporter WRISTBAND? Ok then, hold onto your subparticles....

TELEPORTER - send these two back to the CASTELLAR CAFE

Monday, 16 June 2003

Heat from the Kitchen
Now Playing: Help Poly solve the Mystery of Astral Geode! Clue #61
Hey, you made it back...and in ONE PIECE!

Ummm...NOT that I had any DOUBTS, of course! TELEPORTER technology is PERFECTLY SAFE...the vast majority of the time.

And check YOU out!

The BESMOU BAKED ELASTEROID is still piping hot! Nice delivery job!

Oh...SHOOTing Stars! I hope you didn't have any trouble getting the food! I FORGOT to give you WONDERLENS doubloons to pay for the Baked Elasteroid.

Chef Fugu is a BRILLIANT cook, but he CAN get a little...PRICKLY

Literally.

Those SPINES on Chef's skin can SHOOT a deadly uber-toxin, for which there's NO known antidote.

Luckily, he only poisons when he's in one of his sulky MOODS. The rest of the time he's a TOTAL sweetie.

Well, it looks like TIMMY is in no rush to finish his dessert, so in the meantime, maybe you should zip back over to the Castellar Cafe and PAY for the food? I mean...I'd HATE to have Chef Fugu MAD at us. I may be a ROBOT, but I don't want to spend my off-hours picking poisonous spines out of my paint job.

Go on - it'll be my treat - here's a few Wonderlens Doubloons, good for food, drink & souvenirs. Ummm...come to THINK about it... Chef might ALREADY be on the lookout for you, so you MIGHT want to avoid any IN-PERSON contact. Just leave him a nice NOTE. Trust me...it's easier this way. Nobody has to get all EMBARRASSED and nobody has to get rushed to the Wonderlens Emergency Medical Lab. No need to rush back here, though. In fact, why don't you take this other Wonderlens Doubloon over to the Prizes & Surprises Shop and get something for yourself!

Uh...but you WILL drop by and leave a note for Chef Fugu FIRST, right? Just swing by the Castellar Cafe and click on the THREE-FINGER CHOPSTICKS. Meet you back here!

Tuesday, 17 June 2003

Back from the Brink
Now Playing: Help Poly-256 solve the Mystery of Astral Geode! Clue #62
Hi!
You made it back JUST in time!

Noooo...our wiggly friend, ”TIMMY” still hasn't finished the BAKED ELASTEROID you brought him, but ASTRAL’s HOLOBLOG just started to glow! I was starting to think we were already TOO LATE!

Go ahead...hit it with the Besmou Wand!

 



Dear Poly,
Sorry. I had a bit of a close call here. My air supply ran down to nothing - I must have passed out for a moment.

You'll never believe who saved me - Lampyres!

I never told you this, but before I left, I tried contacting their home world. I tried for DAYS but never heard a peep. Or - well - whatever sound it is they make. (more of a whispery chirp, I suppose)

But now, suddenly, miles underneath Wonderlens, here they are! What luck! Their timing could NOT have been better. I was quite nearly out of air. It's all still a bit of a blur, but the Lampyres found me and showed me a way into the old temple.

It's incredible! Once inside the temple gates, they led me to a courtyard where fresh air is being pumped from an ancient ceremonial fountain! It's extraordinary!

I can't begin to fathom how old this place must be, but everything still appears in perfect working order! Within the temple gates there's fresh air and running water. I've even found a garden tucked away here, with a pond and all sorts of exotic plant species flourishing.

Wait. The Lampyres are getting very worked up over something. Let me see what's got them in such a frenzy. I'll blog right back to you.

Astral - out.

18 June 2003 2:39 PM PDT

Now Playing: Help Poly-256 solve the Mystery of Astral Geode! Clue #62

Poly...Gone

Well doesn't THAT just blow your circuits? SOoo...were the LAMPYRES chasing ASTRAL or was she chasing THEM? And what's with this ANCIENT TEMPLE? Who could have build an entire city MILES below WONDERLENS? And how could we have not known it EXISTED before now? I mean REALLY NOW...how do you HIDE an entire city?

19 June 2003 8:25 PM PDT Clue #64

Heavy Lifting

Well...yes, YERG, I suppose you COULD hide an entire city under a really really bulky coat.

Nice. Archeological advice from our compulsive shoplifter. Next time I want to steal a nice, shiny hunk of real estate, I'll wear something...roomy. Hey! Looks like ”TIMMY” has finished his SNACK. Ok, Timmy....time to do your OCTOPORTER STUFF. Can you open a Wonderlens Portal to ASTRAL?

20  June 2003 4:24 PM PDT Clue #65

2D or not 2D
WOW! I just noticed - Check OUT TIMMY! He's BOTH two-dimensional and three-dimensional!
Hehe...cool!

That's the FUN of an REALLY GOOD BESMOU snack! If the ingredients aren't FRESH, you don't turn 2D, you just end up feeling kind of ...flat.

I guess the CASTELLAR CAFE must have just gotten a fresh shipment of Besmou Flaming Cherries from Anime Prime.

Hmmmm....I wonder if this whole 2D - 3D thing will have any effect on...

uh oh.

Well...

I have GOOD NEWS
And I have BAD NEWS

Monday, 23 June 2003

Route 66

Like I said... there's GOOD NEWS and there's BAD NEWS

The GOOD news? Well...”TIMMY” DID manage to open a multi-dimensional Portal.

The BAD news is...it's pretty small. We'll never fit through it. Plus...

...it's not in QUITE as MANY dimensions as we were hoping.

How many? TWO...to be exact. The Portal is just two-dimensional.

I guess eating a 2D dessert from ANIME PRIME had some unexpected Anime side-effects.

The Wisdom of St. Flatulent
Now Playing: Help Poly-256 solve the Mystery of Astral Geode! Clue #67
(NEW to this blog? You can start this Mystery from DAY ONE New clues are added to PolyBlog each day, Monday-Friday)

What's that, YERG ? What ABOUT a two-dimensional coat?
*sigh* YERG says his people have an ancient saying: "If all you have is a two dimensional coat, you can still steal two dimensional merchandise."

I'm sure that's very wise. Although...I suspect I'd be slightly more moved if "your people" didn't ALSO worship a guy named "St.Flatulent".

Sorry...I don't mean to make light of your CULTURAL BELIEFS, but...

Wait a nanosecond...

That SAYING...about a two dimensional coat...it DOES make sense! ...kind of freaky sense, but still...hear me out:

All we have is a small, two dimensional Portal, but we CAN send something small and two-dimensional through it...ASTRAL'S HOLOBLOG

All we have to do is hit the blog with the BESMOU wand to turn it 2D. Then we'll set it right here, at the mouth of the Portal.
The Portal will allow the blog to be in TWO PLACES at ONCE ...HERE and ...wherever ASTRAL
is!

In theory, WE should be able to read ASTRAL's
words AND, she should be able to read OURS!

Of course, this THEORY is based on CARTOON PHYSICS and shoplifting tips, so let's not break into the HAPPY DANCE just yet.

Ready?

Here we GO...

Thursday, 26 June 2003

Wonderlens News Flash
Now Playing: we interrupt this blog for a breaking story from your sector of the galaxy
MAX DARKSTAR here,

Hate to interrupt, but I've just gotten orders to lead an expedition to EARTH! We depart today.

We should be arriving on this mysterious little planet next week - Thursday, July 3rd (EARTH TIME) and will attempt to make contact with the locals. We've selected a landing site which we believe is some kind of sacred ground called "Disneyland" and we will be attending an important world conference called ANIME EXPO 2003.

Apparently the locals worship a variety of deities, based on animals who speak and humans with unnaturally large eyes.

(note to myself: run DNA tests to check for signs of BESMOU influence.)

My team of WONDERLENS research scientists and I will attempt to blend in with the locals. We will begin by erecting a traditional temple (which the locals refer to as a "BOOTH") at ANIME EXPO.

We will hand out offerings of shiny beads and other small gifts to those who have come to pay tribute to the cult of ANIME, which appears to be a sideshoot of a much larger religion called ANIMATION.

If you are within teleportation distance to EARTH, please JOIN US!

MAX DARKSTAR - out.

(I've included a copy of our travel orders below)
DESTINATION: EARTH
Set coordinates to: Anaheim Convention Center, on the outskirts of Disneyland, California, United States, Continent of North America

BASE CAMP: Anime Expo BOOTH #554

ARRIVAL: THURSDAY, JULY 3rd, 2003
DEPARTURE: SUNDAY, JULY 6th, 2003
(please note: purchase local TIME TRAVEL INSURANCE, if available - your normal policy may not apply on Earth)


PRIMARY OBJECTIVES: BLEND IN AND OBSERVE LOCALS, OFFER GIFTS

ADVANCED OBJECTIVES: MAKE CONTACT WITH MORE ADVANCED INHABITANTS OF THIS PLANET AND REVEAL THE TRUTH ABOUT SPACE & TIME TRAVEL AND INVITE THEM TO WONDERLENS HOME WORLD

Friday, 27 June 2003

Blog Ride


POLY? Are you OUT THERE?

How did you DO that? My HOLOBLOG just appeared out of NOWHERE! Actually, it appeared out of something that looks rather suspiciously like a WONDERLENS Portal. But smaller. And two dimensional?

What did you DO - kidnap a tiny, two-dimensional OCTOPORTER?

Ha ha - I'm joking, of course!

In any event - nicely done! I'm assuming you still have the holoblog on YOUR side of the Portal as well, so as long as we can keep this odd little Portal open, we should be able to communicate!

If you can, Poly...please send me a message! I have urgent news!
ASTRAL - out

 

Friday, 27 June 2003

Monday, 30 June 2003

A Tale of 2 Blogs




ASTRAL?

Where the HEXADECIMAL have you BEEN?!!!

We've been searching for you for WEEKS! Do you have ANY idea how many POP TARTS we had to torch in order to open a WORMHOLE to get here?

And WHERE the hex ARE we?

There's something oddly familiar about this place...these old tunnels...the strange markings on the walls. But I still can't quite put my CURSOR on it. I'm sure it has SOMETHING to do with Earth... some ancient Earth civilization?

...well, not that much of anything on Earth is all that ancient. I mean...STONEHENGE? Really now. I've got lint stuck to my MOUSE BALL that's older than STONEHENGE.


Still...we're ALL starting to get a little SPOOKED.

POLY - gone
 

CONTINUE TO NEXT MONTH (July)